HARRY POTTER, the Musical!
by MichiRini
Summary: Professor McGonagall, in a fit of anger when no one speaks up in her class, charms the whole class so that they, and everyone around them, will randomly burst into Muggle songs! Long Author's Note that explains more. Rated for possible language in the f
1. What is this Feeling?

_Yeah, just to let everyone know: most chapters will not have this many songs. I might put one or two in, but never three. I just wanted everyone to see what a lot of my songs are going to be like. There's going to be a lot of Superchick, which most of you might have heard songs by but have never heard of (they sing "One Girl Revolution" and "Watch me Shine"). In this chapter I've got Hermione singing "One Girl Revolution" by Superchick, Harry and Malfoy singing "What is this Feeling?" from the musical Wicked, and Lavender singing "Amar Sin Ser Amada" by Thalia. "Amar Sin Ser Amada" translates directly to mean "To Love Without Being Loved", so she's singing about her relationship with Ron there... That one was just a heads-up that some of the songs might not necessarily be in English, but I will always let you know what they mean or what they mean in general! _

_Anywho, I hope to continue this fic all the way to Harry and Voldemort's final confrontation because I have a song already picked out for that, and maybe even to Harry's, Ron's, and Hermione's graduation from Hogwarts because I have a song that could be appropriate there too. Both songs are by Superchick. I love Superchick, so there will be a lot of songs by them in this fanfiction... I might throw some BarlowGirl in here too, but a lot of their songs are blatantly Christian so I will only be using songs that are pretty neutral but still fun. There will be "normal" songs too, those popular ones that I hate so much... like I am thinking of using some Kelly Clarkson songs in here, too... definitely some Superchick (can you tell I love songs by Superchick?)... oh and I have a plan for Harry singing "American Idiot" even though I hate that song... and my cousin is in a band that has a CD contract but know one knows about them because honestly they really stink, but I might use a song or two from them just so I can say to her later, "Yeah, I put some of your songs in a fanfiction about Harry Potter!" so if I ever use songs by a group called The Gemz then that is my cousin's singing group... count on some more Spanish songs, most likely from Thalia or Juanes (not "Camisa Negra" because that song is so random! It's about how black shirts have soul or something like that...)... and of course more Superchick. But the Superchick songs are awesome and fun. If it's one where it's meant to be spoken from the singer to God then I will most likely have the person be singing to someone else in the room instead, except for the one for the final battle between Harry and Voldemort, he'll sing that one to whichever deity he follows (who knows if Harry's Christian? He celebrates Christmas but he never mentions God. For all we know he's Jewish or Hindu (GHANDI LOVES YOU! (sorry, inside joke with my friends)) or even pagan). Anywho, READ THE CHAPTER AND PLEASE REVIEW!_

* * *

Harry smiled through his exhaustion. A few more minutes and it looked like McGonagall was going to explode; no one in the class was talking! A Gryffindor Quidditch victory the day before had led to a long night of partying, with plenty of butterbeer and food smuggled in by Harry, Ron, and a cuckolding Hermione. That long night of partying had left all of the Gryffindors exhausted the next day, and now even Hermione was fighting to stay awake, her eyelids fluttering over barely opened eyes.

"What is wrong with all of you?" McGonagall finally demanded, putting her hands angrily on her waist. "What's happened that has caused all of you—even you, Ms. Granger!—to fall into such a stupor?"

Ron fell snoring onto his copy of _Advanced Transfiguration_, his tongue falling out to lie limply on the first page of the chapter they had just started learning.

"Honestly!" McGonagall demanded, coming forward to wrench Ron's head back up by shoving it gently back with one hand. "This is the ninth time I've asked a question without getting any hands! Once again: who can tell me the spell to transfigure a teapot into a tortoise?" No one raised their hand, although that had been the practical part of the O.W.L. examinations in fifth year; now, as seventh-years, every student in N.E.W.T. level Transfiguration should have known the answer to this question. "That's it!" McGonagall screeched, her hands flying into the air. Then, taking out her wand, the new headmistress yelled, "_Infortunium carmen!_"

Nothing happened. Harry was fully awake now, wondering what this spell should have done. Hermione and Ron had both overcome their own exhaustions to stare at the apparently insane professor. Finally, Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, Ms. Granger?"

"Professor—what exactly were you trying to accomplish with that spell?"

Professor McGonagall smiled. "If the spell worked," she replied, "then you should all be speaking up more often from now on. I'm very disappointed with all of you, especially you, Ms. Granger. You usually speak up in class."

"Whether or not you want her to," Ron muttered, his head drifting dangerously close to his textbook again.

Hermione glared at him, and then shocked the whole class by standing up—on her chair. Still glaring down at the astonished Ron, she burst into song: "_I wear a disguise, I'm just your average Jane. The 'super' doesn't stand for 'model', but the doesn't mean I'm plain; if all you see is how I look, you've missed the superchick within. And l christen you Titanic, underestimate and swim._" Hermione looked petrified that she was actually singing—and singing well!—but she continued, apparently being forced on by some invisible force: "_And I'll be everything that I want to be, I am confidence and insecurity. I am a voice yet waiting to be heard. I'll shoot the shot—bang!—that you hear 'round the world. And I'm a one-girl revolution… I'm a one-girl revolution!_" Rock and roll music played while Hermione, apparently deciding to go along with whatever was happening, jumped onto the desk and started to play the air guitar. While she "played", she continued to sing: "_Some people see the revolution, but most only see the girl. I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and their stones. I can find my revolution, I can learn to stand alone. And I'll be everything that I want to be, I am confidence and insecurity. I am a voice yet waiting to be heard, I'll shoot the shot—bang!—that you hear 'round the world. I'm a one-girl revolution… I'm a one-girl revolution… I'm a one-girl revolution… cuz I'm a one-girl revolution! Cuz I'm a one-girl revolution! And I'll be everything that I want to be. I am confidence and insecurity, I am a voice yet waiting to be heard. I'll shoot the shot—bang!—that you hear 'round the world. I'll be everything that I want to be. I am confidence and insecurity. I am a voice yet waiting to be hear. I'll shoot the shot—bang!—that you hear 'round the world!_" Hermione made a big finish by jumping off of the desk, directly in front of a smiling McGonagall.

"Thank you for that wonderful example, Ms. Granger," McGonagall complimented the confused student. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"

Hermione panted, even more exhausted from her song interlude. "But Professor—!"

The bell rang, releasing the class to go to lunch. Ron handed Hermione her bag, giving her no reason to stay behind to question their Transfiguration teacher. On the way out of the classroom, he turned to ask Hermione, "So what was that back there?"

Hermione looked at Ron, still stunned. "I have no idea!" she insisted. "One minute I was angry with you, and the next I was standing on my desk and singing!"

Someone nudged Harry, causing him to drop his bag. School supplies fell everywhere, and his bottle of ink shattered on the stone floor. Looking up irritably, he saw Malfoy standing over him with a smirk. Harry forgot his bag. "What are _you_ doing here?" he asked, staring at the boy who had tried to kill Dumbledore.

Malfoy's smirk grew. "I'm a student, aren't I?"

"But you tried to kill—!"

"No one can prove that, Potter."

"Then where have you been? We're a good month into the term and this is the first I've seen of you since you and Snape ran off last year!"

The two boys glared at each other for a moment, before Harry, shocking everyone in the corridor into stopping to see exactly _what_ he was doing, sang: "_What is this feeling, so sudden and new?_"

Malfoy, surprising even himself, continued the thought in song: "_I felt the moment I laid eyes on you!_"

Harry stood, clutching his throat in an attempt to stop himself from singing, "_My pulse is rushing._"

Malfoy countered with, "_My head is reeling._"

"_My face is flushing!_"

Then the two boys sang in unison: "_What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame… does it have a name? Yes…_

"_Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!_"

"_For your face_," Malfoy spat.

Harry responded, "_Your voice!_"

"_Your clothing!_"

Both Harry and Malfoy continued, "_Let's just say: I loathe it all! Every little trait, however small, makes my very flesh begin to crawl, with simple utter loathing. There's a strange exhilaration in such total detestation; it's so pure, so strong! Though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last and I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long!_"

Now all of the people who had stopped in the corridor—including Ron and Hermione—burst into song to sing: "_Dear Harry you are just too good! How do you stand it, I don't think I could! He's a terror, he's a tartar, we don't mean to show a bias but Harry, you're a martyr!_"

"_Well_," Harry sang sheepishly, "_These things are sent to try us…_"

"_Poor Harry, forced to reside with someone so disgusticified! We just want to tell you: we're all on your side! We share your loathing!_"

Harry and Malfoy sang, _"Oh what is this feeling?_"

"_Unadulterated loathing!_"

"_So sudden and new! I felt—_"

"_For his face!_"

"—_the moment I laid eyes on you!_"

"_His voice!_"

"_My pulse is—!_"

"_His clothing!_"

"_Rushing, my head is—!_"

"_Let's just say:_"

"_—reeling!_"

"_We loathe it all!_"

"_Oh, what is this feeling?_"

"_Every little trait, however small, makes our very flesh…_"

"_Does it have a name?_"

"_…begin to crawl!_"

"_Yes…_"

"_Ah…!_"

Harry, Malfoy, Ron, Hermione, and everyone in the corridor began dancing, gathering into groups of four to spin around in circles, hanging by one hand each, while they all sang in unison:

"_Loathing! There's a strange exhilaration in such total detestation! Loathing! It's so pure, so strong! So strong!_"

The groups broke apart, everyone but Malfoy and Harry forming a gigantic, dancing circle to hear the two boys sing together:

"_Though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last, and I will be loathing for forever—loathing, truly, deeply—loathing you my whole life long!_"

The rest of the student's sang, "_Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!_" while Malfoy took the opportunity to sneak up on Harry and, when everyone had finished singing, grab him from behind.

"BOO!" he yelled.

Harry screeched, and the music ended. Panting, he pointed down the hallway and glared at Malfoy. "Get out of here and leave me alone!" he shouted.

Malfoy didn't budge. "What just happened here?" he asked, voicing the question everyone else in the corridor was asking as they picked up the bags they had discarded to join in the dance.

Harry, still panting, shrugged. He was a bit embarrassed; his singing voice, as the entire school would know in a matter of hours, was horrible. The whole time, his voice had been cracking, going up and down whole scales and changing pitch at random points. Malfoy, on the other hand, had sung beautifully in a clear tenor voice. Harry hoped people were too busy listening to Malfoy's singing to hear his, but somehow he doubted it.

Harry, forgetting his bag, followed Ron and Hermione towards the Great Hall for lunch, But as they were coming down the hall, they heard Lavender singing in Spanish to a very confused Parvati: "_Amar sin ser amada es una puñalada¡No vuelvo a equivocarme más, nunca más! Amar sin ser amada, quedar abandonada. No pienso someterme a más otro amor. ¡Que no pueda devolver todo lo que yo le doy, todo lo que me confié, nunca mas volveré! Amar sin ser amada, dejo mi alma quebrada, pero al fin pude aprender._"

Parvati looked incredibly confused, and shook her head at Lavender, saying, "I can't understand a word you're saying! Please speak English!"

Ron watched his ex-girlfriend pass by, his own face expressing his confusion. "What is going on?"


	2. American Idiot

There she was. With _him_. What was Ginny doing with him anyway? Harry thought. Was she trying to get back at him for breaking up with her last year? But that didn't sound like Ginny. She'd seemed much more understanding about why he had to put of their relationship at the beginning of the summer. And she hadn't been anything less than polite to him when Harry had come to the Burrow shortly after that. So then what was Ginny doing with this guy?

It wasn't just that Ginny had apparently moved on that was bothering Harry. It was also the fact that the guy Ginny had moved on to had a reputation for abusing the girls he dated. There were so many horror stories about what this guy did on first dates with his "girlfriends". So then what was Ginny doing dating him? His last girlfriend had had to be sent to Saint Mungo's!

"What are you doing here?" Harry looked down to see Ginny looking suspiciously up at him, her question invading his thoughts and scattering them so that he couldn't quite remember what he was doing hiding behind this suit of armor outside the Great Hall.

And then he saw _him_ walking away with a smug look on his face, and Harry remembered why he was there: he had been going to breakfast and come across Ginny and… _him_… snogging in the shadows further down the hall. Unable to take his eyes off of the disgusting sight, Harry had hidden behind the suit of armor with the intent to wait the kiss out so that he could pop out and shame Ginny into her senses.

So why was he the one so ashamed now? Harry felt the blush rising on his cheeks as he responded to Ginny's question in the most innocent voice he could tempt from his dry throat, "Me? What am _I_ doing here? Absolutely nothing."

Ginny raised her eyebrows at him, nodding skeptically. "You were doing absolutely nothing… while hiding behind a suit of armor. Yeah, Harry, that makes _perfect_ sense."

Harry stepped out from behind the suit of armor, deciding to bite the bullet and just say what was bothering him. This wasn't just about Ginny moving on and dating some other guy; it was about making sure her new guy didn't end up hurting her. Harry had to protect her.

After he cleared his throat, Harry asked, "What are you doing with that guy, Ginny?"

Ginny sighed, as if she had been expecting this. She shook her head and sat down by the suit's feet, gesturing for Harry to join her. "I'm just having a bit of fun with him, Harry. It's nothing serious or anything. I just need someone to help me forget… to help me… to…"

Harry saw that Ginny was struggling for words, but he couldn't help her; he was too busy struggling to keep down the song that was trying to escape from the back of his throat.

Harry lost the struggle, and the song began as he sang in his horrible singing voice:

"_Maybe he'll change. Maybe things will get better. Maybe it would be nice if he wouldn't always put you down. Maybe things will work out, but maybe they'll never, and I think that you've given him the benefit of the doubt._"

Harry stood, gaining courage in the fact that the corridor he and Ginny were in was completely empty except for them.

"_You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all. You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him! You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all. You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him!_"

"_Maybe he'll change if you could be better. But maybe it's not your fault he's checking out the waitress now. But someday you'll change, one day you're stronger, and you will have changed enough that it's time to get out!_"

To Harry's horror, the Great Hall began to empty. Kids poured out as breakfast ended, all of them headed down the corridor where Harry was still being forced to sing to Ginny. As he finished singing the chorus yet again, a lot of the students walking towards the suit of armor where Harry was singing to a stunned Ginny—most of whom were Slytherins, including Malfoy and his entire gang—started to take notice of the horrible noise erupting from the Chosen One's throat.

"_You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all. You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him!_" Harry finished the song, wishing he was still hidden behind the suit of armor where no one except those observant enough could see him.

Suddenly, Ron was at Harry's side, and he began a new song. This song was considerably slower than Harry's, although the one thing that shocked the Slytherins into laughter was: Ronald Weasley was _rapping_.

"_You hate men is what you say, and I understand how you feel that way. All girls dream of a fairytale, but what you've got's like a used car salesman trying to conceal what's wrong behind a smile and a song, and I'm not saying that boys are not like that!_"

Surprising even himself, Harry found himself rapping in the margin Ron provided in the song at this point: "_What are you talking about, baby?_" Harry wished with everything he had that he could take back that last word, since he wasn't sure if that line in the song had been addressing Ron or Ginny.

It didn't seem to matter, because Ron continued the song: "_But I think you should know that some of us will grow because:_"

Here Harry found himself singing again, except now he was providing Ron with background noises: "_Ooo-WOO-ooooooo!_" over and over again.

And Ron just kept on rapping, "_All princes start as frogs, and all gentlemen as dogs. Just wait 'till it's plain to see what we're growing up to be. 'Cuz some frogs will still be frogs, and some dogs will still be dogs. Some boys can become men, just don't kiss us 'till then!_"

At the same time that Ron ended his rap, Harry finished with the "Ooo-WOO-oooooo!"'s that had been causing raucous laughter to bubble up from the throats of all of the students gathered in the corridor. Harry thought he could even see some of the teachers in the back of the crowd, laughing away.

The only person who wasn't laughing was Hermione, who ran in at that moment to grab Harry and Ron each by an arm and yank them in the direction of the library, which was probably the only place they could ever escape the laughter of the entire school thanks to Madame Pince's oversensitive ears and über-strict rules about the maintenance of silence. The whole way to the library, Harry heard Hermione muttering angrily to herself. He could hear the words "horrible", "unnecessary", "music", "embarrassing", and "McGonagall" repeated many times over in this quick succession of words spewing from the angry girl's mouth, but he could never hear much more than that. And it was only in the library that Hermione pulled a book off of a bookshelf and opened it to a bookmarked page, pointing furiously at a specific line:

_The incantation _Infortunium carmen _causes the caster's victim and the people around them to sing songs that pertain to situations they find themselves in naturally. The spell is made even more annoying by the fact that the songs the victim is forced to sing are Muggle songs rather than songs by magical singing groups. This spell is one of the most annoying incantations known to man, created as a joke by…_

The book went on and on about the history of the creation of the spell and so on and so forth, but Harry didn't bother to read any of that. _This_ was why he and everyone else at Hogwarts was randomly singing Muggle songs! But why would Professor McGonagall cast this spell on the students of Hogwarts? And what on earth was the counter-spell?

_How could this day possibly be getting any worse?_ Harry thought to himself as Professor McGonagall led him to the headmistress office. She had pulled him out of double potions looking slightly haggard, and on the way she had explained that the Minister of Magic was here, for one last go at getting Harry to campaign for the Ministry.

"I won't do it," Harry had responded to the headmistress resolutely. "I told him last year that I wouldn't do it, and I won't do it now."

Professor McGonagall had stopped walking from her brisk pace when she heard this, and spun around to face the seventeen-year-old boy with an almost pleading look on her face. "Potter," she had said, "I am not going to ask you to campaign for the Ministry. The Minister never even said that was what he was here for—although I don't know who he's fooling, Mr. I-Just-Stopped-By-For-A-Chat-Oh-Yes-And-Where's-Young-Harry. I just need you to _be polite_."

Harry had scowled. "I'll only be polite to him if he returns the favor," he had responded stubbornly.

McGonagall had continued leading Harry towards the headmistress's office, all the while impressing upon him the importance of maintaining a respectful demeanor. After all, it had taken a lot of begging and pleading for McGonagall to be allowed to keep the school open this year, especially after the death of Dumbledore last year. Although the Ministry had agreed to let Hogwarts remain, the Minister had made it abundantly clear that he could end the term early if the need arose.

So when McGonagall finally opened the door at the top of the moving staircase to the headmistress's office, it was with a hearty smile that Harry Potter greeted the man who just wouldn't give up on the idea of using him to calm the masses into ignorance.

"Ah, yes, there he is!" the Minister greeted Harry with an outstretched hand, which Harry shook with as firm a grip as he dared. He wanted this man to know that he was still Dumbledore's man, through and through. "How is school this year, Mr. Potter?"

Harry tried to keep his eyes from narrowing into slits. He knew exactly what the Minister was doing: he was gently reminding Harry that the fate of this school remained in the pocket of the Ministry, and that one wrong answer—and a vote from the heavily bribed Board of Directors, of course—would mean an end to Hogwarts.

"School is fine," Harry said, feeling his smile turn to plastic on his face. "How is life in the Ministry?"

The Minister have McGonagall a look, and the headmistress left the two alone in the office. Then the leader of the British wizarding government turned to face Harry and asked, "I would just like to know once and for all that your decision is final on this: are you certain that you would not like to help the Ministry maintain calm by showing your support? It wouldn't be that difficult; maybe just a visit to the Ministry every now and then, a picture with the press here and there…"

Harry realized with horror what was coming. He could feel it in the base of his throat. The words were pounding in his head, begging to be sung. Except Harry knew that he couldn't sing this song to the Minister of Magic. McGonagall would never forgive him; he would be stuck in detention with her every night for the rest of his life, even the ones he spent after he left Hogwarts.

At the same time, a part of Harry did want to sing this song to the Minister. It would certainly get his point across, and McGonagall _had_ left him alone in the room with the Minister.

_Besides,_ Harry thought, _if she was this concerned, then she should never have placed this curse or jinx or whatever it is on me and the rest of the school_.

And with that, Harry opened his mouth and started to sing:

"_Don't wanna be an American idiot! Don't want a nation to judge the new media. And can you hear the sound of hysteria? The subliminal mind flower America._

_"Welcome to a new kind of tension all across the Aryan nation. Everything isn't meant to be okay. Television dreams of tomorrow, we're not the ones you're meant to follow. For that's enough to argue. _

_"Well maybe I'm the favorite America. I'm not a part of a redneck agenda. Now everybody do the propaganda. And sing along to the age of paranoia._

_"Welcome to a new kind of tension all across the Aryan nation. Everything isn't meant to be okay. Television dreams of tomorrow, we're not the ones you're meant to follow. For that's enough to argue. _

_"Don't wanna be an American idiot! One nation controlled by the media. Information age of hysteria, it's calling out to idiot America!_

_"Welcome to a new kind of tension all across the Aryan nation. Everything isn't meant to be okay. Television dreams of tomorrow, we're not the ones you're meant to follow. For that's enough to argue._"

Although the song Harry finished wasn't very appropriate, word-wise, he managed to change the worst of the words to less offensive terms to keep his insult of the Minister down to a minimum. However, the Minister just looked confusedly down at the insane boy in front of him, wondering whether a trip to Saint Mungo's might be in order.

* * *

_Songs used in this fanfiction: _

_1) "Bowling Ball" by Superchick  
2) "Song 4 Tricia (Princes and Frogs)" by Superchick  
3) "American Idiot" by Greenday_

_I hope you liked this chapter. I'm really not satisfied with it, but I needed to post something so you all wouldn't give up on me! I'm sorry for the long wait between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. I honestly don't know when I'll have Chapter 3 ready, because I have so much that I need to do and so much that I need to sort through in my head (not just relating to fanfictions; I actually do have a life, you know!). I hope this satisfies you enough, though. And I promised you "American Idiot" so there you go! Please review and tell me what you think so far, even if you didn't like it. ESPECIALLY if you didn't like it, so I can try to improve it!_


	3. Welcome to my Life

"NO! NO!" Harry screamed, trying to yank himself free from the magical restraints the two white-robed healers kept on him while a third healer used a hover charm to move a resistant Harry towards his room. "I'M NOT CRAZY!" Harry continued. "I'M NOT CRAZY! ASK PROFESSOR McGONAGALL, SHE PUT THE SPELL ON ME!"

"It's okay, Mr. Potter," the restraining witch on Harry's left said gently. "We're here to help you. St. Mungo's is the best magical hospital in England."

"NO!" Harry screamed again, although this time it was not his magical bonds that he was protesting against; it was the song that was trying to tear his mouth open and confirm the reason Harry had been sent to St. Mungo's in the first place. "Hold up," the witch said, noticing that Harry was now holding his breath. All three healers stopped moving, and the wizard behind Harry lowered the teenager to the floor.

"Merlin," the wizard breathed. "He's turning purple! Do we have a spell for this!"

Ignoring the wizard's question, the third witch—a young-looking blonde whose voice reminded Harry of Pansy Parkinson—stepped forward and kicked Harry in the stomach with her pointed heels.

Harry gasped in pain, but the witch looked delighted. "I just kicked Harry Potter!" she screeched, jumping up and down excitedly. "I'm never washing this foot again!"

Harry tried to get some air back into his lungs while the blonde witch asked him if he would please, please, pretty please with a cockroach cluster on top sign her shoe. When Harry opened his mouth to tell the woman that SHE should be committed instead of HIM, a song came out instead:

"_Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong, and no one understands you? Do you ever wanna run away? Do you lock yourself in your room with the radio not turned up so loud, but no one hears you screaming? No you don't know what it's like, when nothing feels alright, you don't know what it's like to be like me…_

_"To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark, to be kicked—when you're down—to feel like you've been pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down and no one's there to save you. No, you don't know what it's like. Welcome to my life!_"

* * *

When Harry was finally deposited in a hospital room a few minutes later, he was left sulking and magically restrained to the oversoft mattress beneath him. 

This wasn't fair! Harry hadn't asked for McGonagall to put that stupid spell on him! Harry wanted to get out of here and curse Scrimgeour into oblivion for Stunning Harry and bringing him to Mungo's, but that wasn't going to happen any time soon, from the looks of it.

So Harry contented himself with torturing the healers and patients on his floor. He opened his mouth and yelled as loudly as he could, "VOLDEMORT!"

Harry was rewarded with a high-pitched squeak from just outside his room, and then he saw Lockheart run past his open door with a terrified look on his face. Harry grinned.

"VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORTVOLDEMORT!"

An exasperated healer whose body was physically shivering stepped into the room. The clearly jumpy man was trying to express anger by standing with his legs apart and his hands on his hips, but the effect only made Harry want to laugh; the wizard looked like an adamant toddler.

"If you don't mind," the healer said, his voice shaking almost as badly as his body, "some of the other patients are trying to get some rest so they can get better."

Harry smiled evilly at the man and whispered harshly, "_Voldemort!_"

The healer jumped fearfully out the door with a squeak, leaving Harry to cackle hysterically in his solitary room.

"Thank you for making this easier," said a voice to Harry's left. "Now there will be no one to hear you scream."

Harry looked around for the source of the voice, but he couldn't see anyone. "Who says I'll scream?" he challenged defiantly.

"Because I know you. I know that you'll start screaming for help only when you realize that you can't get rid of me on your own."

"And why can't I?"

"Well, let's see, shall we?" The voice's tone had changed from solemn and sort of sad to amused. "You are magically restrained to a bed, so you can't physically attack me; you don't have your wand, so you can't magically attack me; and I'm not scared of Voldemort's name, so you can't verbally attack me."

Harry paused, realizing that the voice sounded familiar. The person was trying to disguise his voice by making it sound deeper than it really was, but Harry still thought he could hear a bit of something in that voice that rang a bell in his head.

Then the actual content of what the person had said reached Harry's brain, and Harry realized that this person had just explained how helpless he really was.

"HEY!" Harry tried to shout through the open door. "THERE'S A DEATH EATER IN MY ROOM!"

Over the voice's laughter, Harry could just hear a healer shout "Shut up!" It sounded like the same healer who had just tried to shush Harry.

"HEY!" Harry was screaming now. "I'M NOT KIDDING THIS TI—!"

"You're insane, remember?" the voice said, invisible hands clamping Harry's mouth shut. "Now do you want to find Voldemort's horcruxes or not?"

* * *

_HA! I'll bet none of you thought I was serious when I said the Minister of Magic was thinking about sending Harry to St. Mungo's, did you? No! I was totally, 100 serious! This is actually the major turning point in this fic, where from now on there is actually a plot and not just building up of how the spell works. So I actually managed to trick you all AND incorporate the trick into the fic! I feel so proud of myself! _

_"Welcome to my Life" belongs to Simple Plan, Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. _

_So... who do you think the mysteriously familiar voice belongs to? I'll give you all a hint: it is NOT Sirius Black! (SO DON'T BOTHER GUESSING THAT!)_


	4. Make a Man out of You

"All I want is a room somewhere!" Harry sang loudly, since the only ones there to hear him were Ron and Hermione. "Far away from the cold night air, with one enormous chair—!"

"Oh wouldn't it be love-a-ly!" chorused Ron and Hermione with Harry, the three of them skipping down the beaten dirt path somewhere just outside of Greenwich.

Hermione took up the song, looking longingly up at the few stars that weren't hidden by the dense clouds. "Lots of chocolate for me to eat. Lots of coal making lots of heat! Warm face, warm hands, warm feet—!"

"Oh wouldn't it be love-a-ly!" sang all three friends, finally finishing the song McGonagall's spell had forced them to perform when Ron had complained about the ruggedness of the journey they were now on.

"FINALLY!" Harry and Ron exclaimed happily.

"I thought that song would _never_ end…"

"Oh, come on, Ron, the spell isn't all _that_ bad!" Hermione insisted.

Ron snorted. "Maybe not for you, Miss Hidden Talent."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "At least you can actually sing without having to worry about breaking your glasses." On the thought, Harry pulled his glasses off and tapped the frames with his wand, muttering "_Reparo!_" as he did so. A dozen tiny cracks disappeared from where they had formed on the lenses during Harry's solo.

"You and Malfoy should go sing on tour together," Ron continued facetiously. "You'd give the Weird Sisters a run for their money, the two of you!"

"Stop it, Ron!" growled Hermione in a voice that made Harry turn around the make sure that Mrs. Weasley hadn't followed them like she'd threatened to when she'd picked Harry up from St. Mungo's.

Ron sighed, looking around yet again at their desolate location. "Harry, are you sure we can trust this random invisible person you met in the lunatics' ward at St. Mungo's?"

"It's not just some random person!" Harry insisted. "I knew them… I recognized their voice… I just… can't really remember their name!"

"So how do you know we can trust them? How do you know the voice wasn't some Slytherin with a grudge from school, trying to lure you off? There _is_ a big Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch match coming up, you know… what if they were trying to get rid of you before the match?"

Harry shook his head. They had gone through this whole thing so many times before, when Harry had been trying to convince them to just pack up and go with him. Ron had outright refused to go at first, saying he wouldn't trust some loony until he had solid proof that the guy was both sane _and_ real.

"It's not that I don't trust you, Harry," Ron kept reiterating. "But you _were_ in the psychiatric ward at the time. It's not a very credible place to claim you've talked to invisible people in."

Hermione had been curious about their mysterious helper, and kept throwing out names of people she thought would want to see the downfall of Voldemort, or of people who might have known Voldemort before or just as he was rising to power. So far she'd guessed Regalus Black, Dumbledore, and a number of Death Eaters like Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Macnair. Harry had pointed out that he had never met Regalus Black; Dumbledore was most definitely dead; and he would _never_ trust _any_ Death Eater the way he was trusting this person. The game would normally annoy Harry, but now he was enjoying hearing Hermione guess wrong again and again, and Harry was also determined to figure out exactly who it was that was helping them; he was sure that if he heard the person's name or something, he would recognize it.

_"What are they doing here?"_ Harry heard, and spun around trying to see who had said it. _"Master is looking for that one… but he said not to harm that one… Master wants to kill that one himself…"_

"Harry?" Hermione asked worriedly. "What are you doing?"

Harry stopped looking for the source of the voice to look at Ron and Hermione, who had stopped walking to see what had him so distracted. A feeling of dread filled his stomach as an idea formed in his head.

"Did you two hear anything just now?" he asked apprehensively.

Ron and Hermione shook their heads, confirming Harry's fears: Nagini was somewhere nearby.

_Well,_ Harry thought,_ at least that means we're getting close… Although seriously, who sets one of their Horcruxes to guard another Horcrux?_

A small voice that Harry tried to ignore whispered in his mind, _Someone who knows that the guardian is powerful enough to take care of itself **and** its protectorate…_

"Get your wands out!" Harry instructed his confused friends. "Look around; Nagini—Voldemort's pet snake—is somewhere around here, close enough to see us."

_"But Master never said anything about the friends…"_

Harry spun and raised his wand quickly. "RON!"

Ron spun, raising his wand and just barely managing to blurt out a Shield Charm before a long, thick, green snake dashed out from the tall grass on the side of the road, headed for the side red-head's ankles. Instead of administering a paralyzing and poisonous bite, the snake struck the Shield Charm with a low hiss of anger before slithering back into the camouflaging grass.

Ron tripped over himself at surprise at the snake's speed. "Bloody hell, did you see how fast that thing was moving!" He picked himself up, looking all around him for the snake. "Why didn't we prepare for this sort of thing, Mr. Chosen One?"

Harry looked sideways at Ron. "We've done magical combat with veteran Death Eaters," he says in a flat voice, "and you're worried about taking on a _snake?_"

"It's _Voldemort's_ snake, Harry!"

"Let's get down to business…" Hermione sang, catching Harry and Ron's attention. "… to defeat the Huns. Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons? You're the spineless bunch I've ever met, but you can bet before we're through: mister I'll make a man out of you!"

Nagini tried another attack. Hermione shot out another Shield Charm before it could latch onto her throat, and Harry aimed a Stunner at the snake before it could escape into the woods but the Stunner missed its target by several inches.

In the meantime, Ron had taken up the song. "Tranquil as a forest, but a fire within… Once you find your center, you are sure to win!"

Hermione interrupted again, glaring at Ron for trying to steal her song. "You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of you!"

This time Nagini made a run for Harry, but Harry was pretty sure the snake was only trying to paralyze him because it aimed for his wand instead of his body. Harry threw up another Shield Charm and shot out two Stunners, but still the snake disappeared into the forest quicker than anyone could watch it.

"I'm never gonna catch my breath," Harry gasped.

Hermione sighed, "Say good-bye to those who knew me…"

Ron shook his head. "Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym…"

Looking at Ron, Harry said, "This guy's got 'em scared to death!"

Hermione sang, "Hope he doesn't see right through me!" looking as if even _she_ didn't understand why she was singing that particular line.

At the next attack attempt by the snake, Ron shouted "_Aguamenti!_" and doused the thing in water, shrugging his shoulders apologetically when Harry and Hermione had looked at him as if to say, Now what good did _that_ do?

Nevertheless, Harry heard Nagini sing in a slightly confused hiss, "_Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!"_ as the snake shot into the tall grass.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all chorused together, "We must be swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon!"

Harry turned to Ron and Hermione and sang, "Time is racing toward us 'til the Huns arrive! Heed my every order and you might survive!"

_"You're not suited for the rage of war,"_ sang Nagini from somewhere in the thick grass, _"so pack up, go home you're through!"_

Hermione sang: "How could I make a man out of you!"

The trio sang the chorus two more times, dodging snake attacks all the while. Nagini still seemed to be confused as to why he was suddenly singing a Muggle song with the people he was supposed to get rid of, but finally, at the end of the song, one of Harry's Stunners hit its mark, and the snake went down.

Ron nodded. "Alright," he said, pointing at the snake. "We've got it. Now what?"

"_Diffindo!"_

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked around for the source of the voice, but none of them could see anything. It was only when they saw footsteps appearing in the dirt, making a path towards them, that they realized who it was: Harry's invisible—and quite real—benefactor.

"So is that how you destroy the Horcruxes, then?" Harry asked when the footsteps had stopped just next to him.

"For this one? Yeah. For the others; no."

"What makes this one so special?"

"Well, you wanted to get to the other Horcrux I sent you here for, didn't you?"

"Of course!"

An arm appeared out of nowhere. The arm, long, sleeveless and Caucasian, pointed at the mess that used to be the snake. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all gagged when they saw what the Severing Charm had done to the creature; it was a slashed pile of blood and innards. Among the blood shone a glint of gold.

Harry looked at the space where the arm had just disappeared—probably gone back inside what was probably an Invisibility Cloak hiding whoever wanted to anonymously help them destroy Voldemort—and asked, "The Horcrux was _inside_ Nagini?"

"Yes."

"Does You-Know-Who know his pet snake ate his Horcrux?"

Harry and Hermione both gave Ron the same exasperated look, but at the same time Harry was trying hard not to laugh. He didn't want their benefactor to think they weren't taking this whole thing seriously and stop helping them.

But the invisible person just laughed as if they hadn't heard such a wonderful joke in years. This sound rang a bell in Harry's mind, this time sounding off so loudly that Harry thought he actually knew who the person was… but their identity was just on the tip of his tongue!

"Yes, Ron, Voldemort knows."

Ron jumped. "How did you know my name?"

The benefactor hesitated. "I've been paying attention to you… all of you… for some time now," he answered finally.

"Like a stalker?" Hermione accused.

The benefactor laughed again. "No, not like a stalker, Hermione!" he assured her, causing the girl to lean back in surprise over his use of her name. Harry could tell Hermione was already suspicious of the person because he was disguising his voice; the fact that he knew about her—a lot about her, considering the ease with which he treated her—scared Hermione more than a little.

To ease the tension caused by Hermione's suspicion and Ron's obvious upset over the benefactor's extensive knowledge of him and his friends, Harry Summoned the Horcrux to him.

"_Accio Horcrux!_"

The Horcrux flew towards Harry, but before it could get too close Hermione muttered "_Scourgify!_" to clean the blood off of it. Harry gave his friend a look of gratitude before closing his hand around the glittering object.

It was the locket.

* * *

_Author's Note: _

_"Love-a-ly" comes from "My Fair Lady"_

_"Make a Man Out of You" comes from Mulan_

_I'm very disappointed in all of you! Harry has never met Regalus Black! Keep guessing!_


End file.
